


The Accidental Asshole

by schemingreader



Category: Avengers (Comic), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, Lifehacker, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-01
Updated: 2012-06-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 13:00:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/419195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schemingreader/pseuds/schemingreader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do you think I'm an asshole?" Tony asked.<br/>"That is not an appropriate question."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Accidental Asshole

**Author's Note:**

> The Lifehacker piece mentioned in this story, [The Accidental Asshole: Pinpoint How You're Annoying People and Do Something About It](http://lifehacker.com/5914546/the-accidental-asshole-pinpoint-how-youre-annoying-people-and-do-something-about-it) is absolutely real, and was the prompt for creating this story. Rexluscus encouraged me and beta-read this.
> 
> (It just occurred to me that the fellow who wrote the original article might see this if he checks trackbacks on his post. Though his piece already has 63K+ hits, so maybe he won't bother! Hey buddy--bet you weren't expecting fan fic. As critical as I was of your article, you sound like a pretty nice person. ♥ Hope you are spending lots more time hanging out with people who love you.)

"Tony, get off the internet." Pepper wasn't even looking at him. "I can see you're just fluffing around, not doing any work."

"This is business."

"Yeah, right, you're reading Lifehacker again," Pepper said. "It's like Cosmo for nerds. I can see the reflection of your StarkPhone in the window."

"Do you think I'm an asshole?" Tony asked. 

"That is not an appropriate question."

"I think a lot of people secretly do."

"Secretly!" 

"OK, I don't mean people like Richards, or Fury, or those guys." Tony began fiddling with his phone again. "Jarvis, open an account for me on http://failin.gs." 

"That website is down, sir," Jarvis intoned. 

"Huh," Tony said. "Well, it wasn't an ideal design in any case. I will create my own site for anonymous critique."

"What?" Pepper said. "What are you doing?" She grabbed at his phone, and finally got it out of his hand. "Oh my God." 

"Never mind," Tony said. "Jarvis, if you access the cache on the other site, you'll see the theory behind it."

"Each member has the opportunity to offer anonymous criticism of other members," Jarvis said. 

"You ask people to tell you the ways you're unintentionally annoying," Tony explained, "and then you can work on those things."

"This is a really bad idea," Pepper interrupted. "Tony? This is a bad idea. You're walking down a staircase into a basement with no flashlight in a horror movie." 

"You never watch horror movies," Tony pointed out. 

"Because I don't like seeing people do stupid things!"

"Look," Tony said. "I didn't have a normal upbringing. I tend to drink too much."

"Really," Pepper murmured.

"I sometimes get a little—"

"Depressed and withdrawn," Pepper completed. 

"What? No, I don't." 

"See?" Pepper said. She sat down on the new sofa in the lab, and folded her long freckled legs like a stork. 

"Since we dated that time," Tony said, and swallowed. 

"Listen," Pepper said. "You're fine. Don't ask everyone what's wrong with you. How could that possibly be a good idea?" 

"But sometimes," Tony said, "Sometimes I think I really am being an accidental asshole. I don't mind being an asshole on purpose…"

"Of course you don't."

"But it bothers me that I," Tony scratched his neck. "It just bothers me. I do beta testing with tech, I should do beta-testing on this." 

"This is about Steve, isn't it?"

"It isn't _only_ about Steve. I mean, yeah, Steve could be a little more frank and less 1940s, but I could use feedback from the whole team." 

"Fine," Pepper stood up. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

"You always say that."

Pepper has a particular large-eyed look of concern that always makes Tony worry about his stupid heart. "Look," Tony said. "I can do better." 

She pursed her lips, and turned on her Manolo Blahniks. 

Tony decided not to skip her in the general invitation to critique his personality. She probably knew him better than anyone, and she certainly found him annoying.

* * *

It took about two hours before the anonymous critiques began to scroll in on the StarkPhone. Usually Tony had Jarvis read his emails to him, so that he could continue welding or soldering or creating huge visual maps of his ideas, and not have to stop to read. 

"Sir," Jarvis said gently, "You have received the first of your anonymous critiques." 

"Read it."

"Very good," Jarvis said. 

"That's it?"

"No, sir." 

"Read it." 

There was a pause. "We are not middle-school girls, Stark. Take your psychobabble to a mental health professional, and leave your adult colleagues out of it."

"Let me guess," Tony said. "She signed it."

"Yes."

"Natasha?" 

"Natalya Ivanovna Romanova," Jarvis corrected.

"Uh oh," Tony said. 

"Sir," Jarvis said. "I would prefer if you would read these messages to yourself." 

"You're an artificial intelligence. You can't get embarrassed."

"Yes sir."

Jarvis somehow sounded a little dubious about that. 

Tony became absorbed in working on a new design for a jetpack for Hawkeye. He could do this sort of thing in his sleep. 

Not that Clint had asked for a jetpack. In fact he probably didn't want to fly, since he didn't have any special resilience hitting the ground. Not like Cap. 

But he wasn't going to give Cap a jetpack when Cap could fly with him. He liked flying with Cap. 

What that meant about his feelings toward Steve, he wasn't going to consider. 

His phone chimed, and he read the next message.

> Noble Stark, Man of Iron! You are a true and self-sacrificing warrior, and all must laud your courage! You hide a kindly heart beneath your japes and jests, a heart better seen than hidden! Perhaps you should take an antidepressant. Your anonymous brother in arms!

Tony smiled. Thor had followed instructions. Was this what these were supposed to be like?

Another chime.

> Tony, man. Don't be a dick. Also, I don't need a jetpack. I can't shoot with that thing on my back.

Well, at least that was something he could change. He could make smaller jetpacks for his feet, right? Though on his suit, wearing jets on the feet always meant creating some kind of insulation to keep the feet from being burnt. Now, if it were a different type of jet, then he might be able to really fly.

Something like the seven-league boots. 

Another chime.

> You want to know what you do that annoys me? I don't have time for this. I've already told you. Contrary to your belief, you are not the center of my universe. Get back to work. 

"At least he didn't say I was a textbook narcissist again."

The phone chimed again.

> Because narcissism isn't an actionable item. Good lord, man, you aren't the only superhero in the world! 

Tony shook his head. He hadn't meant to include Fury. He knew precisely how he annoyed Fury.

So much for anonymity. Apparently his friends couldn't be anonymous if they tried. Or didn't try. 

Still nothing from Steve yet. He probably found it all weird and touchy-feely or something. 

Because he still had the app open, the phone didn't chime when the next one came through. It just made a quiet sound like someone sliding a note under the door.

> I would be far less annoyed with you if you didn't do things on purpose to annoy me. Sometimes it feels like you regard healthy adult self-control as some kind of psychologically damaging repression.

> Stop poking me.

Uh huh. It would be good for Bruce to loosen up, but he supposed that the literal poking could get tiresome.

"Jarvis," he said, feeling mature. "I am hereby resolving to…" he didn't want to commit to anything he couldn't do. "…refrain from poking Bruce Banner when we're in the lab together. There: minimal yet doable. Just like me!" 

Jarvis didn't laugh, of course, because AIs don't get sexual innuendo. They can't even be taught to get it. 

"Jarvis!"

"Yes, sir." 

"Make a note for me. I want to create a Stark test of artificial intelligence, to improve on the Turing test." 

AIs can't be annoyed, either. Suddenly, with no chime at all, another voice boomed over his speakers—perhaps the speakers for the whole house.

> Tony Stark! I will answer your questions, puny mortal. Your flaws are myriad. You will all fall before me. My suggestion is that you KNEEL.

There was a roar upstairs, and Thor came charging down. "Where is he? Where is my brother?"

Jarvis began suiting him up where he stood. "Jarvis!" Tony said. "Is there an intruder? Is Loki here?"

"No, sir," the AI said. 

"Why are we suiting up?" 

"Precaution, sir." 

He lumbered toward Thor. "Wheels," he muttered, and then glided the rest of the way. "He's not here, Thor. Simmer down, big guy." 

Thor was barreling around with the hammer and so on, looking like he was going to discharge electricity at any moment. 

Without being told, Jarvis caused a lighting rod to come up out of the floor, so that when Thor crackled and sparked, Tony didn't get shocked. 

"Would you please chill?" Tony said. Bruce and Natasha had followed him down the stairs. Hawkeye stayed at the top of the stairs bow in hand. "Look, consider this an opportunity. Your brother joined my self-improvement community. We can offer him some constructive criticism." 

Natasha laughed. "That's one way to get him here. I'm for it." 

They each whipped out a StarkPhone and started writing. Thor, never able to accustom himself to typing, had a large stylus. Clint, snickering, came down a few steps. 

"What's happening, gang?" Steve asked. 

"Loki's going to have a struggle session," Natasha said. 

Everyone looked at her. "Like in the cultural revolution in China," she said. "A communist thing. Like in the book _1984_ , Two Minutes Hate?" 

No one else knew what she meant, but Tony suffered a shudder inside his armor. He took off his helmet. Of course she didn't want to offer him a critique of his behavior. He was an idiot. 

"Yes, you are an idiot," Natasha told him in an undertone, leaning in. "It's fine." 

Steve, who was mentally still part of a world in which Communists were the best allies against Fascism and Stalin's your uncle, looked a little uncomfortable. "What are we doing, now?"

"We're going to offer Loki constructive, actionable criticism," Tony explained. "Like I asked from all of you." 

"But he's our enemy and you're our friend," Steve said. "I'm not trying to sound simple-minded, Tony, but is this some kind of 21st century thing?"

"No," Bruce said, "It's just Tony, being a masochist as always." 

Thor was still writing. "My brother hates criticism," he said. "He always tries to look like it doesn't bother him, but it bothers him. If anything will get him down here, this will."

Steve ran up the stairs to suit up as the various phones in the room made email-sending sounds. 

"You are a genius," Bruce said to Tony. "You know that, right? I know you do." 

"Thanks, bro," Tony said. "Means a lot." He hoped he sounded ironic. "Hope the other guy doesn't trash my house too much this time. Where's Hawkeye?"

"Up on the roof," Natasha said, "Hoping to shoot the fucker out of the sky. Let's go wait up there—less damage if we aren't inside." 

"THOR!" Loki screamed. 

"Be careful, sometimes he just sends projections," Thor said. Indeed, in a minute a crowd of identical horned gods with spears and disgruntled expressions were all around them. 

"I DO NOT PICK MY NOSE!" the Lokis thundered in unison. "I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH AND SEXUALLY HARASS THE SERVING WENCHES! THEY LIKE IT WHEN I DO THAT!" 

Though she was the only one among them without any superpower, Natasha was also the only one smirking. "Touched a nerve, eh?" 

"Women love me," the Lokis insisted in a more ordinary tone of voice. 

"Some women love you," Tony said, remembering what Pepper had told him. "Some women wish you would keep your hands to yourself." 

"SHUT UP YOU PUNY MORTAL, YOUR STUPID MIDGARDIAN MORALITY DOESN'T APPLY TO ME! I AM A GOD!" 

"This isn't about morality," Bruce Banner said. He was still Bruce Banner, still smiling very gently, "This is about what you do that annoys people. It's why they don't like you." 

The duplicate Lokis disappeared and Loki sagged a little against his big silver staff. "I don't care whether you like me. I'm your enemy. I don't have to care." His voice sounded a little distant. 

"That's good, because you act like a real jerk sometimes," Tony said. 

"There's an understatement," Natasha muttered.

"Aren't we going to fight?" Thor sounded disappointed. 

"I thought you didn't want to fight me, because I'm your _brother_ ," Loki taunted in a sing-song voice.

"But you're a good fighter," Thor said. "You're strong and full of tricks and surprises. We never get to fight anyone as interesting as you anymore. It's always horrible insect aliens and HYDRA and evil super villains that do not matter to a soul. We might as well blow them up with explosives." 

"You like fighting me?" Loki said, smiling.

"You're challenging," Thor said, "and it reminds me of old times, when we were boys together." 

The Lokis multiplied again, menacingly, and then evaporated. Thor had gone in for the hug. He was still holding Mjolnir and Loki still had his staff, but they were embracing nonetheless. 

"Ugh," Natasha said. 

"Don't be like that," Bruce said. 

"But he tried to destroy our planet! Twice!" 

"It wouldn't be the first time one of our enemies became an Avenger," Cap said. 

"Just—stay here in case Loki tries to stab Thor in the back," Natasha whispered. 

Loki put out his tongue at her over Thor's enormous shoulder.

* * *

After it was all over, and Thor and Loki had gone to Asgard for another little visit, Tony and Steve sat at the kitchen table, eating salami sandwiches. 

"You never answered my survey," Tony said. 

Steve made a face. "I don't think that kind of thing is very helpful." 

"I'm sure I do things that annoy you," Tony said. "I do things that annoy everyone."

Steve shrugged. "Who cares?"

"What do you mean?"

"Tony, you founded the Avengers," Steve said. 

"Nah, that was Fury," Tony said. 

"You gave it your heart, your strength, your genius," Steve said. 

A flush of warmth crept up Tony's neck. "My house?" 

"You're the soul of this organization—your easy generosity, your flexibility, your creativity, your intelligence." 

"You're thinking of some other guy."

"No," Steve said. 

"I'm the wisecracking dude who drinks too much, gets depressed, and pokes the Hulk," Tony clarified. "And those are my good points."

"Yeah," Steve said. He had the sweetest smile. "And those are your good points."


End file.
